Not of me but through me

Tuesday night was the Holiday Dinner for Mt. Healthy Young Life. It was supposed to be one of our biggest events of the year. It was supposed to be a great opportunity to meet new kids and share the Gospel with everyone who came. It was supposed to be a big encouragement to me and Leah that we could build on as we go into the new semester and start with fresh leaders...It was supposed to be a lot of things according to me. It wasn't any of the things I planned it to be. I spent 3 weeks in communication with 20 people coordinating food and kitchen help and rides, making fliers for the school, getting kids excited about it, scheduling it with the church, and preparing a club talk. In the end the food was great, but only three kids showed up. One of the kids was a kid I took to fall weekend where he accepted Christ, and the other two where kids that had been coming around as long as I have. We ended up (by we I really mean Bunny) went and found a group of older women meeting at the church to eat all the food and take leftovers home. This turned out to be pretty cool because we got to tell them all about YL, and it was hilarious because they were meeting at the church for a weight watchers group. So it ended and the left over stuff was wrapped up and taken up to some leaders at Miami up late studying for exams. I mean all the food got eaten, just not by Mt. Healthy kids. Now I have been on staff at a church for to long to not think about how things could have been different/better, at the Vineyard this would be called and outflow meeting.

Its been a couple days now and I've had a little time to reflect on what happened. First I want to say that I really believe that the kids God wanted there, where there. I believe that in my head at least, but I also believe that there is always something that I can personally do better in ministry to allow God to be seen more clearly in my life/actions. So what could have been different?

1.) I could have gone to the school more to tell kids about it, but I got really sick the week before and could only go Monday and Friday that week. Then on Tuesday, the day of, they had a rushed release fire drill and I wasn't allowed in the school. So not being in the school enough may have had some effect on what happened.

2.) We were unlucky in the availability of the church and had to schedule the dinner the same night as a home basketball game. I heard that not very many kids went to the game either though, but that may have had something to do with it.


3.) We don't have a regular set of events for kids to participate in, and because of that we don't have kids that can be active in getting other kids excited about what we are doing. We are in a situation where, because we don't have anything to be involved in, kids are less and less likely to participate in the events that we do have. We are not established. Brandon has long said that many kids in Mt. Healthy lack the communication skills necessary to allow them to maintain healthy relationships. I mean I see it all the time. I am almost sure if I stopped calling kids, even kids I've known the whole time I have been a leader, we just wouldn't talk ever again. They wouldn't call me, it would just be over. It is possible that the phenotype for this is consistent relational failure in kids lives. That makes leading a relational ministry fairly difficult.

4.) I often say if you want to see something happen, find out what God is doing and do that because its going to be successful. There are many things that I have seen God do in Mt. Healthy this year; from Mr. Sawyers, to my coaching job with Jim Tenzing, to 3 kids coming to know Christ, to the growing support of several faculty members at the school. At the same time though there are many things I have seen fall apart this year. We don't have campaigners, and with the kids I know, it's not going to happen anytime soon. Club is out of the question for now. Still there is something vastly different in this year's Thanksgiving Dinner than there has been in the past. There have always been close to 50 kids at the dinner if not more, and this year there where three. It could be that God wanted us to get to know those little old ladies that meet at the church every week, or that he just isn't about big events for now and just wants us to be faithful in going to meet kids, I don't know the answer to that. I honestly don't know what God is up to in Mt. Healthy. I am sure that He wants his children to know Him, and that He has called me to be a part of that.

So what now? Ok so we had an event that sort of sucked, and because I put a ton of work into it and was fairly invested I am pretty upset that it didn't go well. I feel responsible and because I am the leader, I am ashamed that I had so many people do so much work cooking food and clearing there schedules and showing up to help, all for 3 kids. I could have just as easily got pizza for three kids, or baked a chicken at my house and had the same effect. I have a hard enough time asking people for things, it is wretched for me to ask people for help and them help for such a small result. I need to get over all this because its not how God thinks.

I've had my two days to be mad at God. I don't know if I am allowed two days, but that's what I am giving myself. Now I just need to get over it and go back to doing what I am called to do, go and love kids. I am sure there will be events in the future that fail, or at least aren't what they are supposed to be according to me... I think that's maybe the real issue here. All the time I am making myself way to important in things. Andy Stanley calls it the "If I don't, it won't philosophy." Somehow, I look past my humanness and the fact that God is in control of stuff and not me, and I start making my own plans and seeing my own vision and not God's. That's bad and I need to work on keeping my focus on fulfilling God's plan and not my own. I actually don't know what God's plan looks like, but it is certainly about Him and not about me.

Leah and I had a meeting with Kolia the other day, and Kolia told me that I have grown a lot in wisdom. He may be right, but I just feel like I don't have any for sure answers anymore. Most things that where once black and white to me have become very Grey. I still feel strongly about many things, I just don't know what I am supposed to think anymore. I just feel clueless when it comes to ministry. Its not all bad, the more clueless I feel, the more likely I am to rely on God than on myself. That's a good place to be I think, uncomfortable but good. That bring up a whole new topic. another thing Kolia brought up in our meeting was the fact that we are going to get 2 new leaders this January.

I am really scared of that because as I said above, I have no idea what I am doing in ministry. I have nothing to plug new leaders into. I can't bring them to campaigners and introduce them to kids that can show them around the school or introduce them to some kids of their own. All I have for them is some geographical knowledge of Mt. Healthy and a lot of prayers. They would be just as good with the NLT manual in a new school as they are with my help. Kolia pointed out the most understated deficiency of my life maybe when he asked what we had to offer the new leaders and the answer was Christ. That's really all we have. With that in mind I am realizing that being in a position of only having Christ to rely on is a common thing in ministry. I am terrified that I am going to screw it all up for the new leaders, that they are going to watch me lead the way I do, and learn how to do it that way, and that I am doing it all wrong so they will be too. I'll effectively ruin a couple of potentially good leaders. See how I make myself too important... It's interesting to me how often I am quick to look at myself for abilities and answers in life when I should be looking to God. Then when my resources are used up (doesn't take much) I am quick to be like "God come help me fix this." I don't understand why I do that. So anyways there's a bunch of crap out of my head and into writing so I can stop thinking about it hopefully. The summation of all this is just that I should, and will, go back to WITH GOD'S HELP GOING AND LOVING KIDS.