Endurance

I can't sleep. This is a continuing recent problem for me. Often I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason at all just thinking about different situations/relationships/choices that I am involved in. Sometimes it turns out to be really good because I'll pray for a while or read or journal , and eventually I will be able to fall back asleep. The problem is that this is becoming an increasingly wearying period of my life. Tonight I am stuck on the idea of long endurance through struggle.

It funny, last night at leadership one of the verse we talked about was Hebrews 12:1 "run with endurance" and that's what this season of my life seems to be about. I need to endure for a while. I think the point in the verse is that the endurance and the temporary struggle now is worth the great reward later. This is true in things that we get to see the fruit of in this life as well as in our life after. I know that sometimes relationships are worth sticking out when it sucks because there can be something great on the other side of that. Ministry sometimes is worth enduring while it's difficult and sucky because God is working and there will be redemption for His faithful. 1 Cor 15:58 I am told that the payoff for enduring college is worthwhile, but I am beginning to seriously question that.

I know I am incredibly thankful for the people in my life that have chosen to love me with endurance despite how difficult I often make it. I am greatly indebted to the people that have first loved me while I did nothing to deserve it. The way I heard it a few months ago was that to truly know God we need to have long obedience in the same direction. To know God's heart I need to be in prayer daily for years. To know God's Word I need to be reading it, and meditating on it, and memorizing it every day for years. To see fruit in ministry I need to be obedient to the same ministry for a long time. My prayer lately has been to live with God's heart, to love with His strength, with His endurance so that I can finish the race. I have given up the arrogance and pride that says I can run a good race without help...

Posting

It has been increasingly difficult for me to find time to post this quarter. This quarter for me has easily been the most demanding of my time of all my time in college so far. I am taking 6 classes, 4 of which commonly assign between 200-300 pages of reading per week. I think its the 5th week of the quarter and one of my professors has yet to assign less than 100 pages of reading between any of the classes that meet 3 times a week. So basically I don't sleep and I read a lot. Along with that work is still a big part of my schedule. I can't say enough about how great my job is though. I get paid well for what I do, and they are incredibly flexible with my school and YL schedule. Sometimes my boss is kinda micromanagy, but he gets the big picture of church ministry really well. In general the people I work with are a great support to me in all of the things I do.

In YL things are going quite well at Wyoming. I am getting to know many kids, and time at the school has been fantastic. We had an "Ambassador Team Meeting" last week which is like our key supporting parents, and for the first time as a leader I genuinely felt like the parents in the community care a great deal about there kids knowing Christ. These parents are not only excited about their kids knowing Christ, but they agree with us leaders that YL is a great tool for encouraging that relationship. We have a group of "Junior Leaders" who pretty much run everything for us at club. It seems like every week there is one thing out of place that we have to pick up, but in general they do a great job putting everything together, picking up kids, and generally making YL Club a success at their school. It is so encouraging to see kids that own their faith and have a vision for their peers to do the same. This Monday at club was the "Sin" talk and campaigners this week was all about figuring out what sin is about; where it comes from, how it affects our lives, what the consequences are, how the devil attacks us. It's so great because to make campaigners happen we just start with some scripture and a general idea and the kids take over. Its more like a led discussion than anything else. Campaigners in Wyoming is what campaigners is supposed to look like. Next week is the cross talk, and I am so excited to see how the kids respond, especially some of the new kids.

I am continuing to learn about how inadequate I am and how great God is. I have really worked hard to carve out time everyday for devotions and prayer. Somehow I missed for the first few years that prayer is at least as important as reading scripture to having a solid relationship with God. I may finally have begun to understand how to listen for what God is saying into my life. My attitude towards the things that I am consistently in prayer about seems to change. There is something about allowing myself to be open to what God is saying, even when I don't know what to listen for, that aligns my heart with Gods heart. Time in prayer is time where we allow God to align our will with His will. It's sad really that so commonly people brush off the Christian "pray about it" when really its not a bad idea in almost every situation. Prayer is much more tangible and practical than it sounds.

I am off to work here soon and have some more reading to do so I am going to have to keep this brief, but things are going really well. I am being stretched and grown in many areas of my life, and am continually reminded to look at God for the things I need. I hope that I get a chance to write some more before the end of the quarter but at this rate things are only looking worse. One other thing I have learned about myself is that I love to write. I am sure that when I have time again, maybe before I have time again, I will start to journal as part of my devotionals.

Sabatical Over

I haven't posted in something like a month. I have written a lot in that time, just nothing worth sharing. My thoughts have been so scattered lately partly because I am young and unorganized, and partly because I have a lot going on in many areas of my life. In my opinion the most significant thing going on in my life is that I am learning how to love God not just know him. Throughout the past few months I have learned so many things about the character of God; things like His relentless pursuit of our everything, His power over everything even the minutia of life, His vested interest in the lives of each individual, and His will for His children to see Him clearly. In the practical sense of things my life is being all rearranged around this idea of loving God.

For starters I am now a leader at a new school, Wyoming. Around the end of February the decision to leave Mt. Healthy became final. For a variety of reasons it was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever been a part of, however near the end I felt wholly peaceful about leaving the school in God's hands alone. Learning to surrender ministry to God has been one of the hardest lessons I have ever learned as a Christian, but the freedom in that realization is enormous. I have, for the first time I think, started to view ministry as what God is doing and not what I am doing. If God goes and I don't go with Him, He can still accomplish whatever he wants. If I go and He doesn't I can accomplish nothing I want. If I go with God I am only then privileged to both witness and participate in what God is doing as well as grow my faith by walking with Christ through the different struggles of doing ministry. Philemon 1:6 Possibly the most significant part of this thinking is that ministry does not hinge upon my abilities, kids salvation does not hang on whether or not I effectively communicate the gospel at my next club talk, but on Christ alone. His great strength is in my weakness. God's glory is revealed most when He overcomes a challenge to accomplish the impossible. It's a whole new ministry in Wyoming and I am going into it with a whole new mentality of what ministry is about. That's exciting!

In addition to a new ministry I am taking my most challenging quarter of college yet. Five of my six classes will require in the neighborhood of 100 pages of reading per week including one class that has assigned over 100 pages of reading each day of the class thus far except 1. This might be the quarter I learn to read fast... Despite the higher than usual workload I like all of my classes except one. I am learning about things I like from professors I largely enjoy learning from. Not to mention I am reading some Orwell for one of my classes. In 8 and a half more weeks though, this too shall pass.

All in all I am doing well. I realize now that I can't be expected to have it all together, that it's ok for me to be messed up. Because of that my day to day life is much more dependent on Christ than it has ever been. I am still learning to adjust to being ok with my inadequacies all the time, there always seems to be the temptation to try to be more than I am. I said this a while ago in one of my posts, but I want my life to be about transparency. I want the people around me to see me for who I am, and see Christ, and the powerful work he is doing in me, for who He is. Philippians 1:6

More on Campaigner Weekend

After I got done being sad about not having kids go to the weekend I ended up going to see club tonight. I mean I didn't really have anything better to do and I thought it might be fun. I ended up being really encouraged by going. Apparently there were close to 650 kids that showed up. The biggest I can ever remember this weekend being before this is like 400. The moral for me was that despite the success I am not seeing in Mt. Healthy God is still working through the ministry of YL to change lives all over the city.

I talked to a guy named Tony for a few minutes in the lobby, and this is what he told me. "I came on this weekend because I brought my friend. I have been praying for him with my leader since Christmas Break, and I really want him to meet Jesus this weekend." It was exciting for me to see how it's supposed to work. Kids loving other kids for Christ is what this ministry is at its best.

Altogether it was encouraging for me to sit in a room with 600+ high school kids who were excited to worship God together. I know the kids in that room are all over the place in the depth of their relationships with Christ, but because of their response to God's mercy, because God in His great mercy, they can change their schools. We are talking about a Revelation Generation at church these days, and I think the key to that working isn't mobilizing a huge group of adults to reach out to kids. I think that is an important step, but the really important part is getting adults to latch on to kids for life, to raise them up in their faith, to disciple them. I look forward to seeing over the next few years what happens in the area because of the number of kids who know Christ in the schools currently.

Campaigner Weekend

A couple weeks ago I thought I was taking 3 kids 2 campaigner weekend for sure, and possibly 5. Up until last Friday I was still pretty confidant that 3 were going to go. Through a series of things none of the kids I thought were going to go are actually going. This is frustrating for me, and very discouraging. I really believe that I don't need to take kids on a camp trip or a weekend trip or anywhere else for them to experience Christ. I believe in my heart that God can work in their lives without the program of Young Life at all. However, I am still trying to hold onto hope that we may not be ending things in Mt. Healthy. This certainly doesn't help that case.

I want Young Life to work in Mt. Healthy because when YL works kids know Christ. Every time I am in the school I see kids who are dieing inside for a savior. I know kids that have fathered aborted babies, kids who cut themselves, kids who do drugs, who sell drugs, kids who want to drop out of school, kids from broken homes, I know tons of kids living in messed up lives just like mine is messed up, and I want them to know the God I know. I want my friends in that school to know the God of love. John 6:65 is a verse I have been praying about for a while now. I pray all the time that God would allow kids to know Him. Paul once said that he would trade his life for the life of his friends, I at least am willing to trade my ministry for them. If leaving is God's direction for that school then I want to leave in the hope that God has something better planned for them than the ministry of YL has to offer.

"For this reason I have said to you, that no one can come to Me unless it has been granted him from the Father."

Chambers

Every once in a while I'll read a devotional from "My Utmost for His Highest." I keep a copy of it in my backpack so its there when I have some time and don't want to study. The other day I read the page for February 14 and have since gone back to read it again several times. I think it is particularly insightful and convicting, especially in my present situation. The verse at the top of the page is Matthew 10:27

"What I tell you in darkness, speak in the light; and what you hear whispered in your ear, proclaim upon the housetops."

"At times God puts us through the disciple in darkness to teach us to heed Him. Song birds are taught to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God's hand until we learn to hear Him. "What I tell you in darkness"- watch where God puts you into darkness and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet. If you open your mouth in the dark, you will talk int he wrong mood: darkness is the time to listen. Don't talk to other people about it; don't read books to find out the reason of the darkness, but listen and heed. If you talk to other people you cannot hear what God is saying. When you are int he dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light.
After every time of darkness there comes a mixture of delight and humiliation (if there is delight only, I question whether we have heard God at all), delight in hearing God speak, but chiefly humiliation- What a long time I was in hearing that! How slow I have been in understanding that! And yet we God has been saying it all these days and weeks. Now He gives you the gift of humiliation which brings the softness of heart that will always listen to God now."
- Oswald Chambers "My utmost for His Highest" Feb 14th

I believe there is so much wisdom in what is said in that short passage. I know the first thing I always want to do when I am confronted with a big decision or problem is talk to people about it. I want to process it out loud. Then, if I still can't figure it out, the next thing I do is read books about it. The idea of just sitting and waiting and listening for God to come and clue me in to the solution is way down the list of things I will try. I don't like to listen for what God is saying because it takes discipline and patience, neither of which are virtues I am great at. I like to have answers quickly, not after days, weeks, or even months of waiting...and listening.

The down side to that is that I often miss what God is doing because I am in to much of a hurry to see it. Running ahead of God is like leaving the airport for California in a car because I didn't want to wait 2 more hours for my pilot to show up. I am sure that I often spend my time working harder than I have too trying to keep up, when I could have waited for God to move and carry me with Him. I know there are things I have not just seen partially, but missed altogether because God just wasn't ready to do His thing yet. I can't enter the promise land until God says its time to go.

The other thing, and this seems more subtle to me, I miss out on a chance to grow in my faith and understanding of God's character. Waiting on God to answer, being faithful in the silence, is a unique kind of growth opportunity. It also gives us a chance to show a little faith in our Big God. I want to be more faithful in the darkness.

The reward for that faith is another awesome opportunity. When we are faithful in the darkness, having the patience to listen and hear what God is saying, then we have a new responsibility. When we have heard from God and know what He is doing, then we become like a city on a hill that cannot be hidden. When we know God's heart we get to tell other people about it, and that is an incredible privilege. The closer we get to the light of God the brighter we shine to the people around us. A large part of our ability, if not all our ability, to lead other people to Christ comes from the vitality of our personal relationship with God.

Knowing God's heart and through that living the John 10:10 "abundant life" is what makes being a Christian irresistible to the people who see us doing it. In America becoming a Christian is not a sacrifice, at least not a hard one. There are still many countries around the world where becoming a Christian means risking your life. The people that choose Christ under those circumstances see Christ in people differently. Something about that kind of faith is attractive even in the face of death. I want to know God in a way that makes me a city on a hill; I want people to see my faith and because of it want to have a faith of their own. God help me to have mustard seed faith.

Mt Healthy Prayer Meeting

Yesterday was the prayer meeting in Mt Healthy. Five people came, and I felt like it was really good. I am not sure that I heard anything from God, but I am not sure that I didn't either. It was just good to get people together and be open about the fact that we don't know what to do. We need a BIG God to come and save us.

I have been saying for a while that we need to start praying the impossible prayer. I think prayers that are big and seem impossible under the currents circumstances are honoring to God. God likes to reveal His power through big things I think. The way I think God likes to do things is doing them in a way no group of people could have done it. He does things like feed 5000 people with 2 fish and 5 loaves or destroy an army with 300 soldiers. God is the master of the impossible. So we (Leah and I and other people concerned with YL in Mt Healthy) have to keep praying and wait.

I really think it is a time when we need to be most focused on listening. God has perfect timing and when we are supposed to know what He is doing, we will KNOW. Until then we have to be faithful in the things we know are right, and that includes patience. For now I am trying to root out all of my pride in this and turn that over to God. Whatever happens I want it to be all about God and none about me. I realize now more than ever that none of this is about me and what I am doing anyway, but about God and what He is doing.

There is a popular song right now that says "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord." I believe that to be true. As we wait for something to happen we are constantly being grown in our faith. For as little as I think I hear God I am sure of one thing, God wants us to find our comfort in knowing Him. His desire is for our lives to be focused on Him and nothing else.

Fasting

Today I started fasting. The pan is to fast until Saturday after the prayer meeting in Mt. Healthy. I am hoping to clear my head so that I can try to listen for what God is saying. I have never cone a fast of any length before, no longer than one day eve. I am a little nervous about how its going to go. I hope I don't get sick. the big thing I am worried about is how much weight I might lose, or that I'll get sick. Like I said though, I really have no idea what I am getting into.

I ate lunch today, and haven't had anything since. I wouldn't say I am necessarily really hungry, but I consistently have thought to myself tonight "hey why don't I go eat something...aw crap..." It has been good so far though. When I think about food it just reminds me to think about God, which I think is the idea. So now I am not eating and not watching TV, basically I have forgone all American activities except the internet. I am like the college student antithesis.

At this point I don't want to read anything really. I guess I'll read the Luke 4 devotional, then sleep. Confessions has thoroughly overwhelming my capacity for digesting ideas. I just don't know what to do with it. One thing I can't help but laugh about is how easy I thought that book was the first time I read it. I just breezed through it as a high school senior. Now I read like 2 pages and I just close my eyes and try to figure out what the heck is going on. That either means I am understanding more and the stuff I am understanding is tough, or I am getting dumber and I just can't decipher things anymore.

I have 5 slices of leftover pepperoni and bacon pizza from Larosa's in my fridge. I am going to bed.

New Phone

In two months (roughly) I am getting a new cell phone. For those who don't know, my phone is currently on its last legs. The screen is cracked on the outside, the screen on the inside is cracking up the left side, much of the paint is worn off the buttons, the antenna doesn't work great anymore, the flip up half is about to break off due to a large crack in one if its hinges, basically this thing is done. So i am really excited about getting a new phone. I am interested mostly in LG phone because I think they are the best. I am not interested very much in MP3 player, or PDA functioning phones, I just want a durable, reliable phone with a decent battery life (48 hours). So I am taking suggestions, persuade me! I am currently liking the VX8600. I like its thinness and lack of an antenna. It's "sleek."

Scripture

I was witness to a comment tonight about people not memorizing scripture. The gist of it was that far to many people are more concerned with watching Lost or Grey's than they are with learning scripture. I am not talking about people in society, but the Christian population. I didn't say anything and the moment passed quickly, but it has kind of erked me. I mean what's the deal with that statement. First of all I think there is a lot of truth to it. I read the bible on a daily basis and put a lot of effort into learning what is has to say, but I still probably know more show or movie lines than I do verses in Scripture. I don't know if that's bad, but it doesn't sound very good. So where does this lack of emphasis come from.

In Young Life we have a whole section of one of our diagrams (The Wheel) dedicated to God's Word. The verses there are 2 Timothy 3:16-17 and Joshua 1:8, and if even one of those is taken to heart I would expect a very high priority put on learning scripture. Why then are there so few people, including myself, who know a lot of scripture?

One thing worth mentioning here is that at the Vineyard there is a non-existent emphasis put on memorizing Scripture. Maybe I am missing it, or its just not a priority of a seeker friendly church, but I just don't see an emphasis put on learning scripture. Yeah, there is the idea of quiet times, and daily reading, but that's not the image I see in scripture. I don't know if it's like that in all churches or even lots of churches, but I am sure that's not how it was in biblical times.

When a Monarchy was first established over Israel they where instructed by God to write out the Pentateuch, by hand, and read it every day, always keeping it with them so that they may be careful to keep God's commands. Back in the day know the Bible was a big deal. Check out Acts 7 and listen to Stephen when his life is on the line quote passages from most of the old testament. Or Paul when he is writing to a church or disciple quote from several of the prophets. The ultimate example is Christ and all the different times He knew scripture and the prophesies He was fulfilling. The point is that Jesus thought knowing Scripture essential to knowing God.

Now I see people like Hudson Taylor or Betty McGee or Corrie Ten Boom, people who have done great things with there faith, and they all know scripture incredibly well. In spite of how well they know it, I would bet that they still desire to know it more. They have tapped into a power in scripture that I feel like I am missing. It is personal to them, all of it. I don't know how to get to that point, but I think I am beginning to realize the importance of knowing scripture.

As many of you know, stuff hasn't really been great for me lately in terms of what's happening in my life. Not that things are all bad, just there have been a lot of challenges that have staggered me in my routine of life. One of the things that has jumped out at me lately is a bunch of scripture I didn't even know I knew. Stuff I had memorized or spent a lot of time trying to figure out months or years ago that has just been popping up in my thoughts. It's worth noting that at many times lately, even often, Scripture has been the stuff in my life that allows me to walk around with my head held high. I will get stuck on something like "nothing new under the sun" from Ecclesiastes 6, or Romans 8:38-39, or Micah 7:8, there are a ton of examples. The point here is that Scripture has been of great usefulness and necessity to me lately, and I wish that I had spent more time learning it before now. The Word of God quenches our souls.

I have been trying (but not hard) for a long time to memorize the book of Ephesians. I want to be more consistent in the effort I put into memorizing Scripture. Someday it could be taken away from me, or God could call me to a place where I am not allowed to have it. I need to start preparing for that even if it never happens. Even without those extremes it would be incredibly useful to know much more than I do now. So that's feelings, Scripture is a big deal and we generally take it for granted and I want to stop doing that.

Top 10 list of favorate things

10.) Roller Coasters

9.) Kids (when they aren't crying)

8.) Quiet

7.) Skipping Class

6.) Chipotle

5.) Sports

4.) Sunsets on vacation (they are always better when you are somewhere you usually aren't)

3.) Books

2.) Friends

1.) Grace

My Continued Wrongness

Recently I have been reading about the cities of Sodom and Gommorah, which biblically actually reffers to 5 or 6 cities located in a particular region of the Nile Valley. Apparently these cities where incredibly wealthy, it is unclear why, but most likely because of the valuable salt trade.

In Sodom the people were so rich and corrupted that they actually had laws to prevent poor people from enetering the town or living in their community. They had a common area in the center of the city where people traveling through could sleep for a night, but when it was dark there were laws so that any citizen of Sodom could come and do whatever they wanted with anyone staying in the Common Area. Basically they could rape them, enslave them, kill them, rob them, whatever. There were no laws against anything when it came to people that weren't in the community.

Now when Abraham and Lot break off Lot is well accepted in Sodom because of his great well and status. So he starts living there, later 2 angels come get pissed after the towns people try to rape them, and destroy everything with Fire and Brimstone. Anyways, now this is where I am wrong, a while ago I had said that I thought American Culture had become one of the most corrupt cultures of all time. As it turns out I was way wrong. Americans generally stand up for people who are weak or need help. In general I feel like the people of America have compassion and are willing to do something when confronted with injustice. Yes I still think we get a lot wrong and in some part of our culture virtually every imaginable sin is happening, but there are still a lot of people who are faithful. God would not destroy Sodom if only ten where found to be righteous in the city. As Andy Stanely would say, "a little bit of salt goes a long way towards perserving a society."

Matthew 5:13 is where Jesus calls us the salt of the earth. We are the preservative of the whole planet. We just have to make sure we don't lose our saltiness...

Lesson of the Day

Make sure that the school you lead YL at is open before you drive there to do contact work. Nothing quite like a 35 minutes car ride to end up where you started...except maybe a 36 minutes car ride for nothing. I tried to recover even by calling some kids to see if they wanted to get some food or go to the mall, but nothing worked out. Oh well maybe Friday.

On a more uplifting note, its is entirely possible or even likely at this point that at least 3 or possibly even 4 or 5 guys go to Campaigner Weekend. That's good news! Also this week I reconnected with two kids I haven't heard from or seen in months. Both of them had moved, one moved back to his original house, and the other to Winton Woods . The one who now lives in Winton Woods decided to call me out of the blue, and the one who lives in Mt. Healthy again I saw at school on Monday. Apparently they didn't like it in Anderson and decided to move back...to their original house. Both of there names are Chris, and they both want to hang out next week. That's pretty cool/hilarious if you ask me.

White Death

Today the White Death came! And it was White Death. No matter how much we seem to plan for the snow at work, it just never seems to work out. Today we were ready. We watched slowly as the blotches crept across the radar at lunch, and when it started snowing we where on it immediately. However, after starting the salt spreader and trying to run it briefly, we noticed that it just wasn't working. Apparently some water got in the salt and turned it into one big block of concrete. The conveyor belt at the bottom of the holding bin wouldn't budge. So to fix it Ed and I had to dig the whole bin out by hand. By the time we got it working both our shoulders were shot and we couldn't move our fingers.

For some reason, every time it snows, something goes horribly wrong. At this moment I bet Gene is still at the church plowing away. When people arrive for work tomorrow morning the lot will be cleared and everything will look great. Only a few people will every know about the colossal problem that we were faced with at 2:30. I mean eventually we got it working and the snow stopped and we were actually able to make some progress toward seeing ground again, but man was it rough for a few hours.

Basically if it never snows again while I am responsible for doing something about cleaning it up, I will be just fine with that. For as long as I work on the facilities team at VCC I hope it never snows again, not one flake. its not that I mind horribly working hard or responding to problems, its just so predictable that something goes wrong. Maybe what I actually wish is for one time everything would just work.

Ok now I am over my rant and I can move on with life. I sort of wonder how sore I will be tomorrow, but I can deal with that then. On to much more important things, soccer starts again tomorrow. This is going to be the funnest team I have ever played on. For starters I think most of the people playing are pretty good. I might be the worst person on the team. Secondly, I know everyone playing already so I wont have to go through the sometimes tough part of learning everyones name. Thirdly I am just excited to play again. I just really like soccer! So tomorrow the season starts at 10:30! I can't wait. I hope I am not very sore...

NO TV!!!

I was at work one day a couple weeks ago when the gauntlet was thrown down. Someone said that I couldn't give up TV for 3 months. It sort of turned into a bet, only if I win I don't get anything. I don't know exactly when the last day of the thing is, but I think it's sometime in the middle of April. There are 2 major exceptions; I get to watch the Super Bowl which I did and enjoyed. It was a good game that the Bears should have won if Rex Grossman wasn't a leading candidate for the worst QB to start a Super Bowl. Second I get to watch March Madness.

I hadn't realized how many things in my life involved TV. When I eat at home with my dad, the TV is almost always on in the background. When I eat lunch at work, I watch The Price is Right. When I lay in bed at night falling asleep I usually have on Sports Center. Just today I was eating lunch by myself in my house and I had to make the decision not to turn on the TV several times. It's been maybe 2 or 3 weeks now, and it has really been a battle for integrity. Really the only person that can hold me accountable to this is myself. I could watch TV and no one would know. So far so good though...

One thing that has been really good is the amount of time I have spent reading. Now when I am getting ready for bed I am almost certain to have a QT instead of just watching TV. I mean I am pretty consistent about have QTs anyways, but now its like an automatic. I am also going back through some books that I have already read, and just looking for things that I have underlined in the past. So far it has been a really cool experience. I don't know if I was stay satisfied with my books for the whole time, but for now it is a nice retreat from the pervasiveness of the media.

Another thing that has been affected by this is my prayer life. I have noticed in the past when I have given things up that I am more likely to pray. Especially when I am desiring those things. I think God must find it so entertaining to watch me fumble through life thinking of Him when I want something or need help with something. I was thinking yesterday how funny it is for God to be all around us all the time. If God fills the space of this universe, which I believe He does, how funny is it that God is in the shower with us, int he air around our bed at night, sitting at the table with us while we eat. He must take an immeasurable joy from watching His creation in all our little habits and routines. How much more when we think of Him in it with us?

So no TV for a while. I think I will be able to make it. Most of the time it isn't even that tempting. Wish me luck.

John 10:10

"Narrow is the mansion of my soul.
Enlarge it, so that You can enter.
It lies in ruins.
Repair it.

I know and confess that You will find corruption there that is offensive to Your eyes. But who else shall clean it? To whom can I cry except You? Lord, scrub away my secret faults. Save Your servant from the power of the enemy. Since I believe You, I call to You, Lord, for You alone know.

Haven't I given testimony of my sins to You? Haven't You forgiven the wickedness of my heart? I don't argue with Your judgment, for You are Truth. I fear my own self-deception, for my corrupt heart lies even to itself. I offer no defense against Your judgment, for if You, Lord, kept a record of sins, who could stand?"

I re-read a part of "The Confession's of St. Augustine" and this particular passage really stuck out to me. This guy lived 1600 years ago, and the stuff he thought about God was so profound that it's still getting published. In this passage he is dealing with his sin. He is trying to come to terms with his insufficiencies in the face of a perfect creator and savior. It seems to me like if I walk with Christ long enough at different times the perfection of God in all His aspects from the viewpoint of my sinfulness if overwhelming. In light of that, a relationship between me and God is completely irrational. God is so much bigger, greater, absolute, complete, perfect, loving... than I give Him credit for. There is so much more to God than the cross. There is more offered than a ticket to Heaven when I die. I am so preoccupied with the forgiveness part of God's love that I forget about the abundant life part that comes too.

Yes I am a sinful person and need God's grace to cover my transgressions, but God offers me much more than forgiveness. I think there is more to being a Christian than just being forgiven and living a life full of jobs from God as a response to His forgiveness. If that where all there was to it, I would still gladly live that life, but think there is more to it. I think there is a practical side to God's love that is more prolific than granting us admission to heaven, more personal than empowering us to go do His ministry, more relational than me asking for things (forgiveness, grace, help, a new car...) and Him giving, there is more to it than that.

God has chosen us to be the method he reaches people through, but that's not what I think "abundant life" is about. Doing ministry is possibly a prerequisite for abundant life. It may be that by involving myself in God's Master Plan I unknowingly set myself up to experience God in a unique way. "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." - Philemon 1:6 Being involved in what God is doing is definitely essential to having a close relationship with God. The Christian faith is not meant for remote monasteries, but for the world. I am called to look at Christ, but live in the world. Mark 16:15. And I can do so without fear of failure or rejection because Christ has overcome the world. John 16:33 It seems to me that if I can cast my trials on Christ, with faith, He can overcome them easily.

I look at the heroes of the faith (Hebrews 11), and I see a lot of them as having abundant life. One thing that they all had in common was a close relationship with God. In spite of their personal failures they are able to enter into an intimate relationship with God. They are able to share in His heart. As they become closer to God, He replaces their heart with His own. This is revealed throughout the old and New Testament in prophets and disciples. I want to be about praying for God to transform my heart, to build in me the desires that He has for my life. I want to see the world through His eyes and not my own.

One of the essential qualities of "abundant life" has to be a close relationship with God. But how does that work? I am the kind of person where I have accepted Christ into my life, and I pray, and do stuff I feel like God is telling me to do, and try to live life inside of Christian parameters, but somewhere I have missed something. I have not developed a close friendship with God. Yeah I do a lot of stuff and Christ has grown in me a ton in the last 5 years, but really am I a "friend" of God? Some parts of my life say I am close to God, and at times (especially lately) it has felt like God is near to me, but in general I feel separated from Him. I don't have the kind of relationship with God where I walk around seeing everything with God. I see lots of things with a self-centered mindset. I want to be in tune with what God is doing every day, not just in times of crisis.

I am not even sure I understand how being a friend of God should work. I feel like prayer or communication with God has to be a big part of it, but there also has to be an element of tuning yourself to hear what God is saying back. Friday at leadership we listened to a sermon by Corrie Ten Boom and hearing her talk about her faith made me want something like that. Like any relationship I think it takes a lot of effort to build and maintain. Perhaps even more-so because I am so prone to turn from God to other things. However, in spite of my shortcomings, I have to believe that God wants to know me intimately, to share life with me. I am convinced that there is a passionate interest in God's being that wants us to know who He is. All of recorded history points to His Son's death on the cross, there has to be more to that than just a stamp admitting us to heaven.

In Corrie Ten Boom's case she is absolutely reliant on the provision of God. Her reliance upon God for all her practical needs as well as her spiritual needs has built a relationship where she understand God's character better than most. She KNOWS God because of her extensive experience and reliance on exclusively who He is to sustain her. Because of her relationship with God she has experienced a great freedom from the burdens of this life. She has effectively cast the yoke of this life onto the Lord and learned to live in the freedom Christ bought for us both here and eternally. She experienced life to the fullest, her cup overflowed, she lived abundantly.

I think the first step to experiencing closeness with God, and through that, "abundant life", is coming to terms with my brokenness and need of a savior. I think embracing my weaknesses is the first thing I can do in learning to become reliant upon God. Casting the burden of my sin on Christ is key to experiencing the full life He bought for me. I have heard a lot about surrendering to God, but I may be finally experiencing what that is supposed to look like. At the very least I want to try to offer my everything. In my limited experience, if you try your best, God tends to meet you where you are. So I pray that I try my best, and God meets me in that.

Narrow is the mansion of my soul.
Enlarge it, so that You can enter.
It lies in ruins.
Repair it.

Deer Creek

In a couple hours I am leaving for Deer Creek with Leah, Cat and possible a fourth. We are supposed to be stopping on the way up at some outlet malls to get some cheap clothes. Now generally I don't like shopping, however, I need some new clothes and I don't have a lot of money. With that in mind I am somewhat excited about the prospect of some new clothes. In addition to that I am excited about the weekend. The president of Young Life, Denny Rydberg, is the speaker and there are going to be like 700 people there. This thing is nuts. I have never before heard Denny talk, so I am interested to see how he comes across. I am expecting it to sound a little business man-ish, but that's all I have heard about him and only that from one source. I am excited to see how it goes. The other reason I am excited is because for some reason when I go on these weekends, something usually happens. God usually shows up and does something. i don't know if it's that the people speaking are just anointed or its the fellowship, or the time not working, or just that I go with the expectation that God is going to show up. Bottom line though, is that something usually happens and I am excited about that. So I won't be around until late Sunday night, I don't know for sure what time we will be getting back on Sunday, but whatever it is I am sure I will have to go straight to work. I guess most of the people that have a reason to read this have a pretty high chance of actually being ont he weekend too. Maybe I'll see you there...

The Next Generation Leader

A few days ago I finished reading "The Next Generation Leader" by Andy Stanley. It is a book that talks about the different principles involved in becoming a leader. He identifies 5 categories of things that are essential to good leadership, and gives a lot of practical and biblical examples. I would say in general Andy knows what he's talking about and conveys it pretty well, but he's not a fantastic author, he's just good. However, this book was especially good for me because it caused me to take a closer look at myself. My friends say that I have a really low self awareness. I just don't see myself the way that I actually am. This book caused me to stop and really think hard about who I am, and who I want to become. I learned so much about my strengths and weaknesses and how to play towards things I am good at. Older people I know have told me that I am a natural leader, I don't see it. I think people follow natural leaders, and in my opinion, no one is following me. As I get older I hope that I grow into someone who is worthy of following. I thought of a few qualities that I want to be really important to me for the rest of my life. These are my non-negotiables. Things I want to have in spite of the cost...

I want to have great integrity.

I want to be honest and truthful.

I want to be faithful.

I want to be broken.

I want to be full of grace and compassion.

I want to be transparent.

Obviously I have a long way to go towards some of those, and could be much better at all of them. This is just a place to start. I am identifying the direction I want my character to move. I am sure that I cannot get there, however, without some help from the people around me. I need people to tell me when I am not these things. This is not an open invitation to tear me apart when I fail, but I would like constructive criticism. I am interested in growing in Christ. I want to understand the love of Christ better all the time. Lacking self awareness I especially need people to help me see places where I am missing the plank in my own eye.

Critalize

Yeah Critalize, it's not a typo. I know its not a word really, but I invented it when I was in high school and I think it is appropriate for what is currently happening in my life. The best place to start would be with a definition.

Critalize- (v) the action or of both analyzing and criticizing a subject at the same time.

Critalizing is something I am currently doing to myself with some help from some friends. I am trying to carve out my weaknesses. I want to know just what they are. I am learning to play to my strengths, and part of that is learning to avoid my areas of weakness. The more energy I put into this, the more I discover just how profoundly damaged I am. I really try to do things right, I try to grow, I put a ton of effort into growing and becoming more Christ like. Somehow though I manage to miss by an obscene margin. The short list of major problems I have is not good.

1.) I am very self focused, I love making things about me. I want people to think I am better, smarter, faster, more spiritual, basically that I do everything right. Now I know that no one can actually do that, and that none of the people around me are doing that, but for some reason I will not allow myself to be know as bad at something. it's not an option. I have to be good at everything in the eyes of everyone. It's all about me and how great I am. now people that know me well know that I am becoming better at admitting my shortcomings and working towards being ok with those things, but I have a forever long way to go.

2.) I am arrogant. Now its not all that harmful tot the people around you to be arrogant at most things. It may be damaging to relationships, and annoying, but really its not all that harmful for me to gloat about being good at something to people. Where it is very dangerous and potentially harmful is when I am arrogant about my knowledge in Christ, especially when i don't really know what I am talking about. It's just another instance of me wanting people to think that I know more than I do. The truth is that I know scripture, at least the words, well enough to make a lot of people think I actually understand a great deal of it. Looking at my relationships and different instances where I go to scripture to make a point, I am ashamed at the number of times I have used scripture to prove something when I may not have actually known the right answer. That's not healthy, in fact that's just sinful. I need to work on being more humble in things and more ok with my brokenness, especially when it comes to sharing the words of God.

3.) I am dishonest. Any of my close friends will tell you that most of what I say is not to be taken seriously, and a great deal of my friends will just call me a liar. Most of the not true things come from me trying to inflate other peoples opinions of myself. I will say that I have gotten much better about this, but at the same time I will say that I have a long way to go.

Here's the big deal though. I really want to change. I don't want to be those things anymore. I want to be done with it. I need Christ to come fix me. I can't do it by myself. I realize that all of the things I mentioned above all point to the same major cause, I am insecure. I am just not confidant that the regular un-inflated me will be enough for people. I doubt myself. I know all the reasons why not to be like this. I've had Galations 1:10 memorized for like 4 years, I know that it's insulting to God to say that I am not enough the way He made me, I know that no one's perfect and that I don't need to be all the things I try to be or try to make people think I am. I am just not ok with myself. I feel like there are all these things I need to fix before I can let people in. I want to have "mature struggles" before I can share the immature struggles that I am fighting with now.

So I am working on letting Christ come and fix me. I don't exactly know how to do that except praying and trying, but I want to change. Maybe its wrong to even want all the stuff to go away, maybe I just need to embrace my own brokenness and live like that. I don't know how all this is supposed to work, but I want something to happen. I am done living in this cycle that doesn't have an end.

Freedom Writers

This past Friday was an awesome day...First all the new leaders got placed across the city. It's so exciting for me to watch all of them, especially the ones I've gotten to know, as they prepare to go. Its such a sharp learning curve during the first year of leading that they will learn to see Christ in a whole new light. After placement a bunch of us went out to eat and then to a movie. When we got to the theater we decided on Freedom Writers. It was so good. It's the best movie I've seen in theaters in a long time. It's made even more incredible because it's a true story. So I highly recommend it to anyone interested in going to see a movie.

Baptism

In my small group last Wednesday night we where going through Acts 1 & 2. The whole topic of Baptism and its importance came up, and I learned that I am pretty unsure of what I actually think about a pretty major biblical idea. Turns out there are very few verses about baptism in the New Testament. In one instance Peter commands a group of 3000 new believers to "go, be baptized and receive the Holy Spirit. "(Acts 2:36-37) Another place it says. "I baptize you with water. But one more powerful than I will come, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire." (Luke 3:16) So in one case it looks like a Biblical command that once you accept Christ you need to go get baptized, in the other, it seems like after Christ dies and the Holy Spirit comes we don't have to worry about it anymore. Based on the criminal crucified next to Christ and Christ's statement "Today you will be with me in paradise, (I don't understand this anyways because Christ didn't ascend for 3 days)," (Luke 23:43) it doesn't seem like Baptism is necessary for salvation. Other verses to support that are numerous, but there an example of one. On the flip side Baptism clearly has a major significance. "As Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove." (Mark 1:10) This has two points of note, first that Jesus got baptized. Second, that something big happened because Jesus got baptized. These two thing make baptism seem really important, but it could be the exception because Jesus was God.

So I've read a lot about this and talked to some people and I can't really find anyone willing to take a hard line stance on this. What is the point of Baptism? Is it merely an outward symbol of an internal change, or is it something more than that? I hope some one reads this that can clarify. Maybe this is just one of those things that its better to be safe with and just go ahead and get baptized if you've committed your life to Christ. I certainly don't see a risk in it, except maybe getting excommunicated if you where sprinkled as a baby....

matt

Learning

I haven't written anything on here lately. It's not that I haven't wanted to or haven't had anything on my mind, just that the things that have been consuming my thoughts are not yet public stuff. In a few months, after everything is worked out, I'll post some ex scripts from my journal. I will say now that these past few weeks have been an incredible time of struggle and growth for me. It's almost seems like an axiom of faith that you learn things most readily during times of struggle. I can't really remember many things that I've learned while life was easy for me, but if I look back, there always seems to be a lesson when things are hard, always something God is trying to teach me, a situation He is trying to draw my attention towards. It continues to amaze me how far God is willing to go in pursuit of our undivided attention. I have heard in sermons from many different pastors and church leaders about things like self sacrifice, obedience, prayer, righteousness, ethics, the list goes on, but I think really it comes down to looking at God. If on a daily basis I face God, all the rest of the things sort of fall into place. More than ever I am convicted by my need for grace. I am currently reading the book Calvary Road by Roy Hession, I think I read it first during training for Work Crew in 2004, anyways it has a great passage that sums up how I feel right now.

"Revival is just the life of the Lord Jesus poured into human hearts. Jesus is always victorious. In Heaven they are praising Him all the time for His victory. Whatever may be our experience of failure and barrenness may be, He is never defeated. His power is boundless. And we, on our part, have only to get into a right relationship with Him and we shall see His power being demonstrated in our hearts and lives and service, and His victorious life will fill us and overflow through us to others. And that is revival in its essence."

I recommend the whole book. The point of this is that looking at Christ and being together in a relationship with Him is the only way to do the other stuff. The reason being a checklist Christian doesn't work is because you can't quantify Christ. There is not list of things to do that guarantee a relationship with Him. However, if you daily surrender your heart to Christ, the other things happen naturally. The way we live our lives does not dictate our relationship with Christ, but it is our relationship with Christ that dictates our lives. I think its a good idea to know about the many facets of Christianity, it's a good practice to read books and keep up with what's going on in the faith. Being intellectual about our faith is not a bad thing, but it is essential that knowing things does not get in the way of experiencing grace. I am the first to admit that I try really hard to read lot of things and be smart, but I am beginning to realize that, though it can be beneficial, thinking I know things has in many ways kept me from knowing the love of Christ. I don't want to be that guy anymore. I want to be humble. I want to lift others up with my words and actions instead of tearing people down. For so long I just didn't see the benefit of consistently encouraging the people around me, and I am sorry for that. Living an encouraging lifestyle is something that I wanted to be committed to changing in my life. I have a lot of work to do to become someone like that, but I can no longer continue to discourage. Its just not who I want to be.

In another area I am learning something else about God. God is big....way big. Today I listened to a message by Andy Stanley (I'm not computer savy enough to put in the flash link) from North Point Community Church about asking big things of God and I realized it something I rarely do. It was particularly focused towards young people that haven't yet figured out all the stuff that can easily take up a lot of time (families, careers, ect). Anyways he talked about the idea of having a big dream for life, and how asking big, even impossible things of God is in a way honoring to Him. He said that God is consistent in answering prayers that people repeatedly and continuously prayed for for a long time. Prayers like "give us the city." (the Vineyard) Too often I pray for things that in the long run will just take care of themselves. Not that praying for the minutia is bad, but there has to be big prayers as well. God is big, and he likes being faithful to people who ask big things of Him. God likes revealing His power to people as a witness through our faithfulness, more often we need to be giving Him the opportunity to do that.

The more I think about this Big Prayer thing the more I see it reflected in scripture. Moses prayed in the east for 40 years before God sent him back for His people, Daniel prayed every day for years in oppression before he got the opportunity to talk to the king, Nehemiah prayed for an impossible dream before God engineered the rebuilding of the city walls, Ester and Mordichi prayed for 4 years before she was elected Queen, Habakukk prays for the redemption of his people multiple times before God responds...the list includes many of the prophets in the old testament and almost every instance of a miracle in the new testament. When people pray with all their hearts for impossible things to happen in the name of Christ, more often than not, God is faithful. How many of us Christians are a result of someone who understood this idea and as a result prayed for us when our salvation seemed impossible. I know I am. So I am asking myself now what it is that God has put on my heart to be faithful in prayer for. I am asking God what He is waiting to reveal himself to the world through me in.

I want to say again though that the biggest thing I am learning now is grace. I have been a Christian for almost 5 years now and the most important thing I have learned so far is something I knew in the first few minutes, Grace.