Christmas Review

This week has been nuts! I spent most of the last week at the Vineyard. We had the play on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday then regular church stuff on the weekend plus the Donut Outreach Sunday night. The play was so so, I mean I don't really know what the point of the play is supposed to be at VCC, so it's a little hard to evaluate how it went. One if the staff people asked me about it and I told them i thought it was OK. He asked me what I thought the point of the play should be, I told him that we should somehow tell the story of Christ. By the story of Christ I mean how people are hopelessly separated from God without the redemption offered by Christ in His death on the cross. It could be my Young Life background talking here, but doesn't it just make sense that if you have a church full of people who ordinarily wouldn't go to church, to talk about Jesus in an evangelical manner. Anyways the play came and went as did the rest of the weekend leading to the donut outreach on Sunday night. This outreach is one of my favorite outreaches of the year. I love the opportunity to make someone feel really special, especially when it takes almost no effort. You really get to see God do some amazing things, because honestly a box of Krispy Cream donuts sucks and God has to overcome that, and He does, and its incredible. I took one box to CVS and one box to Wings and Rings both in Milford. No breathtaking stories this year, but who knows what God may do with it. We aren't commanded to make things incredible, we are just commanded to go.

After the donut outreach I met my mom's side of the family at my grandma's United Methodist Church in Perintown. It was about as radically different from the Vineyard as anything could be. First of all the pastor, her name is Naomi, knew the names of everyone there, even the people who don't normally go and just came with family. The church only actually has like 19 members and for the choir performance 10 of the members left the pews to go sing in front. It was awesome. Another awesome thing was the "congregational choice" hymnal. Naomi asked the congregation what we wanted to sing and some ladies in the back had one already picked out. The best part was that she really convicted the audience to think about where they stand with Christ. It wasn't threatening or awkward at all it was just good.

The most disappointing part of the weekend was the Bengals game. I didn't see the game or the highlights, but I heard about it...and that was enough. I don't know how it happens, it's just not our year. Now I have the dolphins game on int he background which sort of depends whether we have a chance to go to the playoffs or not. It's just a bad situation for us. We have on of the best teams in the NFL, and we lost a lot of games that we should have won and here we are likely not going to the playoffs. It just makes me sick. Baseball starts in 2 months...

Tonight I went to a party with my dad's side of the family. It was a very predictable experience. The same stuff always happens at events with that side of the family. People always get the same gifts, we eat the same food, we sit in the same arrangement, and talk about the same things. I still like it though, it a piece of familiar in a world of change for me. I got some sweet gifts, this year. I got a soccer jersey from my cousin, a gun case from my uncle, and a bunch of other really cool stuff. I am usually not about gifts, but this year I liked them a lot because people actually took time to get me stuff that I will use. They put more thought into it than usual, and it was great. So that's pretty much it. I hope all of you have a fantastic Christmas as well. Have fun back at work tomorrow, I know I will.

matt

Dead Jesus

Today at work I was part of a conversation about what exactly went on for the three days between Jesus' crucification and his resurrection. The Bible, as far as I know, doesn't have a lot on the subject. I personally am of the philosophy that nothing happened. Jesus was just dead. There is another perspective that has Jesus in an epic battle against Satan himself in Hell where Jesus wins of course because he is God. This can somewhat be supported if you consider that Christ had to pay the price for our sins which may include going to Hell. Its all a little fuzzy though because he lived a perfect life and took on our sins. He fully owned them, but they where fully ours also, and in truth, still belong to us until we give them up to him. So what actually happened? I am going to start a little research on the subject to see what classical theologians thought. I hope that someone smarter than me has some contributions to make on this subject, otherwise I'm in trouble...

matt

Trouble

Today I got called out on some stuff. It's not unusual for me to get called out on something. I mean, let's face it, I screw up a lot of stuff. I have noticed in thinking about it that there are a couple ways to screw stuff up. You can do something wrong out of ignorance, or you can do something wrong deliberately. I think doing something wrong out of ignorance is much more ok, unless maybe the ignorance was due to arrogance. (like doing something you know you don't know anything about without finding anything out.) Then there is doing something wrong in a completely deliberate fashion. (like lying to your mom) So I am commonly guilty of both of these, however I would like to think that I am less commonly being belligerently wrong.

In situations when my wrongness is brought to my attention I am generally pretty good about just taking it and doing something pro active to fix the problem. I don't like wrongness especially when I am the cause so its reasonable for me to try to avoid it. I take rebuke as well as anyone, though sometimes, I just don't like it. I get defensive and start making excuses for what I am doing instead of just admitting my mistake, apologizing, and taking steps to prevent myself from doing it again. I understand the idea of consequences for sins, and I don't like often dealing with them, but its part of screwing up. What I don't understand is why I get that defensive thing. It doesn't make any sense, its just dumb and doesn't help. Even in understanding that I still want to make excuses and try to justify myself in my actions. Its just not worth it most of the time. I have a long way to go in understanding the loving discipline of God. Anyways, I am going to try to learn how to better accept being wrong, its about time I get used to it because I am wrong as often as anyone.

Not of me but through me

Tuesday night was the Holiday Dinner for Mt. Healthy Young Life. It was supposed to be one of our biggest events of the year. It was supposed to be a great opportunity to meet new kids and share the Gospel with everyone who came. It was supposed to be a big encouragement to me and Leah that we could build on as we go into the new semester and start with fresh leaders...It was supposed to be a lot of things according to me. It wasn't any of the things I planned it to be. I spent 3 weeks in communication with 20 people coordinating food and kitchen help and rides, making fliers for the school, getting kids excited about it, scheduling it with the church, and preparing a club talk. In the end the food was great, but only three kids showed up. One of the kids was a kid I took to fall weekend where he accepted Christ, and the other two where kids that had been coming around as long as I have. We ended up (by we I really mean Bunny) went and found a group of older women meeting at the church to eat all the food and take leftovers home. This turned out to be pretty cool because we got to tell them all about YL, and it was hilarious because they were meeting at the church for a weight watchers group. So it ended and the left over stuff was wrapped up and taken up to some leaders at Miami up late studying for exams. I mean all the food got eaten, just not by Mt. Healthy kids. Now I have been on staff at a church for to long to not think about how things could have been different/better, at the Vineyard this would be called and outflow meeting.

Its been a couple days now and I've had a little time to reflect on what happened. First I want to say that I really believe that the kids God wanted there, where there. I believe that in my head at least, but I also believe that there is always something that I can personally do better in ministry to allow God to be seen more clearly in my life/actions. So what could have been different?

1.) I could have gone to the school more to tell kids about it, but I got really sick the week before and could only go Monday and Friday that week. Then on Tuesday, the day of, they had a rushed release fire drill and I wasn't allowed in the school. So not being in the school enough may have had some effect on what happened.

2.) We were unlucky in the availability of the church and had to schedule the dinner the same night as a home basketball game. I heard that not very many kids went to the game either though, but that may have had something to do with it.


3.) We don't have a regular set of events for kids to participate in, and because of that we don't have kids that can be active in getting other kids excited about what we are doing. We are in a situation where, because we don't have anything to be involved in, kids are less and less likely to participate in the events that we do have. We are not established. Brandon has long said that many kids in Mt. Healthy lack the communication skills necessary to allow them to maintain healthy relationships. I mean I see it all the time. I am almost sure if I stopped calling kids, even kids I've known the whole time I have been a leader, we just wouldn't talk ever again. They wouldn't call me, it would just be over. It is possible that the phenotype for this is consistent relational failure in kids lives. That makes leading a relational ministry fairly difficult.

4.) I often say if you want to see something happen, find out what God is doing and do that because its going to be successful. There are many things that I have seen God do in Mt. Healthy this year; from Mr. Sawyers, to my coaching job with Jim Tenzing, to 3 kids coming to know Christ, to the growing support of several faculty members at the school. At the same time though there are many things I have seen fall apart this year. We don't have campaigners, and with the kids I know, it's not going to happen anytime soon. Club is out of the question for now. Still there is something vastly different in this year's Thanksgiving Dinner than there has been in the past. There have always been close to 50 kids at the dinner if not more, and this year there where three. It could be that God wanted us to get to know those little old ladies that meet at the church every week, or that he just isn't about big events for now and just wants us to be faithful in going to meet kids, I don't know the answer to that. I honestly don't know what God is up to in Mt. Healthy. I am sure that He wants his children to know Him, and that He has called me to be a part of that.

So what now? Ok so we had an event that sort of sucked, and because I put a ton of work into it and was fairly invested I am pretty upset that it didn't go well. I feel responsible and because I am the leader, I am ashamed that I had so many people do so much work cooking food and clearing there schedules and showing up to help, all for 3 kids. I could have just as easily got pizza for three kids, or baked a chicken at my house and had the same effect. I have a hard enough time asking people for things, it is wretched for me to ask people for help and them help for such a small result. I need to get over all this because its not how God thinks.

I've had my two days to be mad at God. I don't know if I am allowed two days, but that's what I am giving myself. Now I just need to get over it and go back to doing what I am called to do, go and love kids. I am sure there will be events in the future that fail, or at least aren't what they are supposed to be according to me... I think that's maybe the real issue here. All the time I am making myself way to important in things. Andy Stanley calls it the "If I don't, it won't philosophy." Somehow, I look past my humanness and the fact that God is in control of stuff and not me, and I start making my own plans and seeing my own vision and not God's. That's bad and I need to work on keeping my focus on fulfilling God's plan and not my own. I actually don't know what God's plan looks like, but it is certainly about Him and not about me.

Leah and I had a meeting with Kolia the other day, and Kolia told me that I have grown a lot in wisdom. He may be right, but I just feel like I don't have any for sure answers anymore. Most things that where once black and white to me have become very Grey. I still feel strongly about many things, I just don't know what I am supposed to think anymore. I just feel clueless when it comes to ministry. Its not all bad, the more clueless I feel, the more likely I am to rely on God than on myself. That's a good place to be I think, uncomfortable but good. That bring up a whole new topic. another thing Kolia brought up in our meeting was the fact that we are going to get 2 new leaders this January.

I am really scared of that because as I said above, I have no idea what I am doing in ministry. I have nothing to plug new leaders into. I can't bring them to campaigners and introduce them to kids that can show them around the school or introduce them to some kids of their own. All I have for them is some geographical knowledge of Mt. Healthy and a lot of prayers. They would be just as good with the NLT manual in a new school as they are with my help. Kolia pointed out the most understated deficiency of my life maybe when he asked what we had to offer the new leaders and the answer was Christ. That's really all we have. With that in mind I am realizing that being in a position of only having Christ to rely on is a common thing in ministry. I am terrified that I am going to screw it all up for the new leaders, that they are going to watch me lead the way I do, and learn how to do it that way, and that I am doing it all wrong so they will be too. I'll effectively ruin a couple of potentially good leaders. See how I make myself too important... It's interesting to me how often I am quick to look at myself for abilities and answers in life when I should be looking to God. Then when my resources are used up (doesn't take much) I am quick to be like "God come help me fix this." I don't understand why I do that. So anyways there's a bunch of crap out of my head and into writing so I can stop thinking about it hopefully. The summation of all this is just that I should, and will, go back to WITH GOD'S HELP GOING AND LOVING KIDS.

Government Funding of Evangelism

This article is pretty self explanitory about what's happening and how it got to this point. I found it on the front page of the Times Buisiness section today. It doesn't talk very much about the programs themselves (specifically the jail ministries), but it does have a lot to say about a variety of cases where people are using my tax money to tell people about Christ.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/10/business/10faith.html?_r=1&ref=business&oref=slogin

Christmas Party

Tonight was the annual YL Christmas Party. This year it was held at a new location due to the much smaller size of our leadership this year. Instead of having it at a giant house this year we had it at the Lutow's. I know this is a side note here, but I have to talk for a second about the Lutows.

The Lutows are quickly becoming like a second family to me. They feed me as much if not more than my own family, they support me, they tell me when I am screwing up and love me anyways, and most of all they just care about me. It's just awesome to be cared for, and even more awesome when you are aware enough about what's going on to notice that you are cared for. So I just love them, Kolia, Liz, Kate and Julia are very close people to my heart. I don't do nearly enough to show or tell them that, but it's true all the same.

Anyways the party was at their house. It was as usual a good time, I mean imagine a bunch of people who love to hang out all cooped up together int he same house. Sounds like a recipe for success to me. The was general talking and eating and merriment the whole night with one huge big thing int he middle. The White Elephant gift exchange. This thing is awesome for real. It works by everyone bringing a wrapped gift and putting them all in a pile. Then everyone gets a number from 1 to however many people brought a gift. Then you sit around and one by one pick presents from the pile or steal one from someone else. In the case of stealing the person who got robbed gets to have the choice of stealing or picking from the pile and it goes on like that till all the gifts are gone. Obviously its better to have one of the last spots because you get to see most of the gifts and pick the one that you really want. I ended up with a sweet DVD the Patriot with Mel Gibson which I am really happy with. The best gift was a Best Buy gift card for $25 which Leah ended up with meaning basically Team Mt. Healthy dominated the White Elephant Gift Exchange. I also got to see some people that I love and don't commonly get to see, mainly Stevie! She's a fantastic lady. So all in all it was a good experience and I am glad I went.

Sickness

I haven't really posted anything int he alst few days. That's because I have been really really sick. Not just sore throat headache sick, I mean the virus in your stomach sick. In two days I've lost 15 pounds I bet. I ate lunch today, it was the first thing I've really eaten since Monday night. I have been trying to drink a lot, keeping hydrated is important to getting better from sickness or so I am told. it was particularly poor timing as I have an exam tomorrow and for the majority of the week have not really been able to focus my eyes to read long enough to accomplesh anything. I couldn't even really watch TV. I would just fall asleep for a while only to wake up and throw up something that wasn't there to throw up. It was rough. i think now though that I am mostly out of the woods. I am just very weak still, probably because I haven't eaten very much. So tonight I will try to study as much as I can before I fall asleep.

I will say one thing though, being sick made me stop. I didn't do anything for 2 1/2 days I really did nothing. I didn't go anywhere, I didn't talk to anyone, I just stayed home and rested. I didn't have a choice really, but still it was a needed break. I'd like to say that my break starts next week and I'd have rested then, but I wouldn't have. I had a lot of time to think about stuff going on around me, and it was that wierd kind of half conscious thought you have when your really sick. I was more able to look at things objectively than I usually am. One thing I noticed was that though I am much better at being gracious and considerate of other people I am still not great at it. I still do things that frustrate people and don't even realize it. The second thing I noticed is that I still care way to much what people think about me and what I am doing. I should be living my life for Christ and no other reason, to often I find myself pursueing lots of other things. Maybe the last big thing that I realized is that I am a good friend. I will pretty much do anything for my friends. I am good at being self sacraficing in friend relationships. My words may not always be the right ones, but more often than not my actions back me up.

My big worry right now is the Holiday Dinner that we are doing for Mt. Healthy kids next Tuesday. I am pretty sure that we are going to have plenty of food, and that all the organizational stuff is going to work itself out. Thing thing I am nervous about is kids. Once again I am making myself to improtant in this, but I haven't been able to go up to the school at all this week. Monday I had exams and the rest of the week I have been sick. Now I am leaving for work. So really I only get Friday and Monday to recruit kids to come. That makes me nervous. I am sure that God is big, and all the kids that he wants to be there will be. I am just not ok with my lack of control in that and I should be. If I can just make it through tueday I'll be fine. Sweet action

Suffering

Today at Leadership for Young Life we talked about the idea of suffering as mentioned in Romans 5. One of the questions brought up was do we actually suffer. I think that is a hard question to answer. I mean in my life I think there are hardships. I point to things like a lack of financing, packed schedule, leading an urban ministry...ect. When I really think about it though I don't have much to say when compared with people like Corrie Ten Boom, Hudson Taylor, Detrick Boenehoffer, Paul, any of the apostles, foreign missionaries in hostile countries, I mean there are people out there actually suffering for the Gospel. When I look at the "hardships" in my life when compared with those actual hardships I feel a little lame. Still all the same I am called to stretch my faith by trusting God more and more with the risks I am willing to take. If that means being more bold in presenting the Gospel or reaching out to kids I normally wouldn't, I am called all the same to be justified by my faith in action. Maybe this time of small trials is a period of preparation for me to face larger trials later, regardless of whether it is or not I am still called to be faithful to the Lord in the position of being uncomfortable that I may experience. I think suffering may really be relative. Someone who is consistently fed 3 meals a day might think only eating one meal a day to be a great hardship whereas someone who eats regularly one meal a day might think that not suffering at all, maybe even a blessing. When it comes to real suffering it's a question of perspective. If I am convinced that this earth is not my home and I am only here to visit and do the work of God diligently while I am here then maybe I need to adjust my perspective of suffering a little bit. I should expect things to be hard here because I am living in a broken world whose prince is Satan himself. How much should I really expect from a place like that?